Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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