So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
