i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
