so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
