Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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