My Higher Power is John Stamos
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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