I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh god it's open bar.
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