moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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