i'm signing you up for texting rehab
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
