so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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