I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
