He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
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