my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
