I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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