Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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