dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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