I could make wine with my vomit
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
