I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
