pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
