I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
