If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
