I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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