Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
