dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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