oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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