In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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