I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
