it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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