I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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