He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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