I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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