I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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