Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night