is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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