woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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