Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
