Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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