she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think my vagina is haunted
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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