Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
