Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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