At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Randomize
