that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
