doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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