Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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