I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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