Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
