I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
