All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The Olympian is in my bed
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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