I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
