We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
