I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
