she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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