you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
