tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
