i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
